Scopophobia

I remember in the early days of the internet, there was a legend about an AI that sent an email to someone. All it said was "Hello World."

The idea of being able to proclaim yourself to the world appeals to me. Because how many times in our lives were we in control of our own introduction? To step forward, head up, shoulders back, knees straight, hand out, fingers splayed, actual literal eye contact initiated and saying, "Hello, this is me."

I know how off-putting that actually would be.

I hate how much of conducting oneself in public is making yourself presentable enough to be unnoticed. I hate the feeling of being observed. Scopophobia, the fear of being perceived.

I am 100% certain it comes from being so weird as a child in a life full of casual bullies. I say casual because no one took my unhappiness seriously when I would get upset. I was labeled whiny as a child, clingy as a teen, a mess as an adult. One word each age to sum up my whole being somehow.

I know now that it is so much more than that. No, I'm lying. I always knew but believed that because I knew it there was no way it could be true.

I don't know where I got that belief. I remember believing I could understand and see things better than the adults in my life. When I was little, I just knew I was going to become psychic like the little girl in Escape to Witch Mountain. Then I decided I was more like Troi in Star Trek: The Next Generation. I absolutely felt more alien than human.

It's funny how simple the explanation actually is. It's just the way my mind developed. Or sad. Or a relief. I'm just glad I know that I'm not broken, or wrong, or alone, no matter how much it feels that way sometimes.

Anyway,

Hello World.